Fatherhood changing the way I look at aging

   Yesterday evening my wife and I and our four-month old twin boys were shopping. She was walking slightly in front of me so she was facing away. I sometimes struggle to hear my wife when she is not turned directly toward me. She said "Now I just need one more thing, some _____________." Can't even recall what it was. The male brain is not wired to remember those types of details. For men, long-term memory is remembering at suppertime what we ate for lunch.

   Whatever it was she said, I didn't hear her, but I could've sworn she said she needed to get PAR HAR HAR HAR.

   Seriously. PAR HAR HAR HAR. That's what I thought she said.

   I've noticed some minor hearing loss over the last decade or so, and it's starting to affect my job this year for the first time. Apparently, it's also hurting my ability to hear my wife in conversation, which mostly consists these days of she in the rocking chair holding one baby and I on the couch holding the other baby.

   This hearing loss also tells me I'm starting to get old. I turned 37 a week ago today, and yesterday I began a one-month leave from work to stay home with my children. My wife went back to work, so it's just the three of us boys. So far I haven't struggled to hear their crying.

   This hearing loss, while certainly disconcerting, does not bother me. Would I like to hear a bit better? Sure. But it's like anything else in life. Would I like to be 20, 30, or 60 pounds lighter? Sure. Would I like to be able to reach that itchy spot on my back like I could 10 years ago? Absolutely. Would I like to be able to tie my shoes while standing up? It'd save me a couple minutes getting ready in the morning, so of course.

I want to be healthier for the same reason I've wanted to be healthier for the last 13 months. I have these babies for whom I want to help raise and see grow. I can't do that if I'm dead, so health now has a purpose. Still, I've struggled with it.

   But aside from the hope of being healthier, I have realized something: I am getting older. My body doesn't function quite like it used to. It hears the person five feet away say "PAR HAR HAR" when they actually said _______________ (I still can't remember). Since these boys arrived in July, aging no longer bothers me. See that gathering of wrinkles on my forehead? They now represent something. And that clutch of white hair along my hairline, it also represents something. The more regular aches and pains are also representative.

   For every day I grow older, so do Beckett and Ike. Every year that passes and brings me closer to 40 and beyond is another year in their development.

   So maybe I can't do a single push up any more where I used to be able to do 25. Now I pick up babies instead. And when I pick them out of their crib each morning and they smile at me and I kiss their puffy cheeks, I know this aging this isn't going to be nearly as bad as advertised.

Weighing in on Weight Watchers and my upcoming temptation situation

I am surrounded by current and former Weight Watchers participants, both family and friends. Women and men. Success stories and non-success stories. I have purposely not joined, which has angered some in my family who have had success with it. Interestingly, I believe in the company's mission and appreciate their goal of getting people to change their lifestyle instead of profiting off a get-thin-quick plan.

Probably the only thing that's kept me away from joining Weight Watchers is my own stubbornness. That, and I hate having to pay for something I should be able to take care of and control myself. Much like my views on counselors, marriage and otherwise, I don't discount their success, but just know they are offering professional advice on something I feel I should be able to handle on my own.

Yet clearly I haven't been able to control my weight, based on the last 20 years. So I'm proud to say I've lost 10 pounds since starting this blog. Yet in that time I've wasted a lot of opportunities to double that. I should be closing in on breaking the 200-pound barrier, which I haven't seen in many years. Yet I'm still hovering around 220.

And now it's only going to get harder. The Minnesota high school golf season starts tomorrow and I'm a golf coach. Come mid-April through the end of May I spend a lot of time in a van with growing boys. After walking 18 holes of golf they are usually hungrier than the annoying geese that often inhabit the golf courses these boys just walked.

Our team restaurant for a couple years was Culver's, which if my waistline had sponsors would occupy a solid piece of real estate. My wife is from Wisconsin and I have endeared myself to that state's love of cheese. Also, the Culver's nearest our house serves Spam Burgers, and I have also endeared myself to that company's mystery meat. Hormel also should own advertising on my belly. If it came in trade for Spam I would probably do it. In fact, I'm going to start researching Spam tattoos right after I finish this blog entry.

The last couple of years the golf team members have most often picked Chipotle. Nothing screams GORGE YOURSELF quite like Chipotle. Nothing represents the U.S.'s obesity issue quite like this Mexican restaurant. In fact, going there was one of the first signs of aging for me, as I have always been able to eat a lot of food. Yet I never enjoyed eating their burritos. Too big.

Not sure what this year's golf team delicacy of choice will be, but something tells me whatever restaurant finds their favor it will have a limited menu for those of us trying to eat healthier. This will be the true test of my will. As long as I keep the babies currently floating in my wife's belly in mind, I should be able to resist the power of Spam and its fatty fast-food brethren.

I originally intended to write about Weight Watchers' theory on weighing in (hence the first two words of the headline), but I am going to save that for a separate entry later this week. Also on the docket: dieting while married to a person pregnant with twins and the challenges that presents.

As Kai Ryssdal of NPR's Marketplace program would say, "Let's do the numbers."

I worked out four times last week, which is one or two more times than my average times per week and more than the last couple weeks combined. I burned the following calorie amounts in four workouts last Sunday through Wednesday: 542, 564, 805, 335. With that weekly total of 2,246 calories burned, my total of calories removed for the year is 64,768. Almost two third of my way to my goal and only one third of the way through the year. I have to be happy with that. And I still have a few tricks up my sleeve. :)

In the presence of weight loss greatness, and I came up empty (or rather overly full)

A week ago I boarded a bus for the Twin Cities to cheer on the high school wrestling team at the state tournament. In the town I reside, wrestling is king. The team owns 20-some conference titles and either wins the section or finishes runner-up every year. This year the team continually improved and out-did most people's expectations.

They practice a couple times per week before school, then practice again after school. There's no doubt wrestling is one of the most strenuous sports available to high school teens. It takes the ultimate in dedication and a lot of watching one's weight.

So there I sat last Thursday, watching a room full of dedicated athletes from all over the state, plowing through stale pizza and overcooked mini-donuts and various others. I spent $20 on nothing tasty. Nothing. And I wasn't satisfied. In fact, I was the opposite of satisfied ... which now that I think of it would simply be unsatisfied. (I originally thought there was going to be another, more creative word. Shucks.)

It felt like the ultimate irony. I was being so undisciplined in the company of all these disciplined people.

No excuses. Just disappointment. I'm still hovering around 10 pounds weight loss, but that day's poor eating choices have seemed to follow me since like a shadow. Since then I have eaten pizza nearly every day. Not going to lose weight that way. Since then I have only worked out once. Since then I've not been proud of my choices.

But that's partially why I have this blog, to hold me accountable. I'll pretend for this moment that I have 100,000 readers watching me flail. It's believable, to me, but so is my dream of finding a healthier me.

On two tread mill workouts I burned 991 calories, putting the 2011 missing calories report at 62,522.

Weighty, yet peaceful moment in time (or the calm before the storm?)

The two cribs waiting for mattresses, mattress covers and two little babies

       In my adult life I’ve never owned a weight scale, so I don’t know for sure what I weighed the day my wife interrupted my morning shower to tell me the heaviest news I’ve ever received. A pregnancy test she’d just taken came up positive.

       That was nearly four months ago. My best guess is I weighed about 230 pounds that day in early November, a couple days before the first snow storm hit Southern Minnesota (which now seems like eons ago, right?). That’s about the same weight my father carried for much of his adult life. He died at age 52, after years of diet and weight-related ailments. I’m 5 foot 8 ¾ inches tall. Like my father, I was not meant to carry 230 pounds.

       And so the news from my wife that morning hit me extra hard, like a cast-iron frying pan to the face. I had only weeks earlier turned 36, a man so content with his existence I’d never seriously considered having children. No need, I thought. I see 150 children a day, five days a week for nine months a year. Best job in the world. This job will be my baby, sans diaper rash.

       But what hit me so hard was the mathematics. My father lived to be 52. My father’s father lived to be 54, so there’s a pattern already started. If I die at the same age as my father, my children will be learning to drive without me. Some things are out of your control, such as cancer, which runs rampant in my family. Other things, though, can be controlled, like the types and amounts of foods I ingest and the exercise I partake in.

       The frying-pan-to-the-face-news in early November served as a needed wake-up call. If I want to increase my chances of being a successful parent (not sure what that even means) I better get my body in better shape before they arrive this summer. Yes, that’s right. I said THEY. The man who never envisioned himself a parent will be papa bear to a pair -- identical twin boys -- by early July.

        The pastor at the church I attended in high school once told me he wanted to be able to beat his son in a game of one-on-one basketball when his son turned 18. That thought hasn’t crossed my mind, but I would like to be able to teach my kids to do the things I loved to do (and have in recent years given up), things like slalom water skiing and downhill skiing, although I suppose they’ll want to barefoot and snowboard. I want to be able to walk 18 holes of golf using my push cart alongside the two of them carrying their clubs. Whether I beat them or not is inconsequential.

        So I started a blog to track my progress: www.onehundredthousandcalories.blogspot.com. While I haven’t written as much lately, I have logged some valuable information along the way, including but not limited to the number of calories I have parted ways with when comparing my 2011 self to my 2010 self. I originally envisioned the blog as a way to count how many calories I burned on the treadmill, but instead it’s made me more reflective and aware of what foods I shovel down.

       The school’s scale (I still don’t own one) on Tuesday morning said I was just a few ounces shy of 10 pounds shed since January, when a few teacher buddies and I started a weight loss challenge, which we’ve all agreed is less about the weight loss competition and more focused on each of our individual goals and the overall aspect of getting healthier. Our health insurance provider should be happy to hear this.

       Speaking of insurance, I should mention before I forget that it’s thanks to a friendly Albert Lea insurance salesman that I am an expectant father. Almost exactly nine years ago I received a call from this then-future insurance salesman letting me know he was in town for the night in the town I then called home. He asked if I wanted to meet up with him and a couple of his friends. That evening, with his help, I met the expectant mother of these identical twins. Neither she, nor I, nor the man responsible for she and I, knew we’d all someday live in Albert Lea. Thank you to you, Mr. Friendly Albert Lea Insurance Guy … and thank you to fate as well.

       There’s a lot of unrest in the world right now, over such weighty issues as democracy in the Middle East and about how to best use tax dollars in the debt-saddled U.S. I pay attention to the news. As a newspaper guy, keeping abreast of current events is a large part of my identity. It always will be.

       Yet despite the unrest surrounding me and some of the personal feelings I have about those on-going situations, I am personally more at peace than ever before. The looming birth of these twin boys and the resulting weight-loss effort seem to be having a calming effect on me. With the loss of a few pounds it seems I’ve also shed some unnecessary mental baggage.

       Just in time, I guess.

Back blogging again and bye, bye potato oles

       I haven't written a blog in awhile. Almost a month, actually. I wrote a short entry just prior to leaving on my weekend vacation to Phoenix in early February, but it didn't save. It's somewhere out there in cyberspace, one blog in search of an author to claim it.

       A lot has happened since then, so I'll probably do a couple entries today, one with a focus on catching up on my caloric countdown to 100,000, and another blog highlighting some of the latest news we've received.

       While my workouts have not been as often as I'd like, they haven't disappeared either. I have had five workouts since my last blog, with the following calories burned: 344, 705, 580, 1,008, 459, 345. That adds up to 3,441 calories burned via exercise. Calorie count for 2011 now stands at 19,051. I have lost 8.5 pounds this year, which is great, but admittedly it's been slow going since the week before the Phoenix trip. Good news is I gained a couple pounds in Phoenix, but lost them right away with a return to more normal ingesting habits combined with what I am referring to as my "Guilt-induced workout."

       That 1,008 number above is not a typo. I walked on the treadmill for 90 minutes and burned 1,008 calories, mostly because I was angry about giving back a couple of the pounds I'd worked so hard to shed. Within a couple days I was back to my pre-vacation weight. I am currently standing on the precipice of 220 pounds. Can't quite get under it, but I'm going to work out today, which will be another guilt-induced workout after a less-than-stellar caloric weekend, full of pizza and fast food while cleaning our house in preparation for the babies.

       So this seems like a good time to use one of my trump cards to keep my caloric dispatch on pace. I have eliminated Taco John's meal #6 from my 2011 life. Well, to be more clear, I have expunged all Taco John's food from my diet, but that's the same as the previous statement because I always get meal #6, which is a grilled burrito, with the option of chicken or beef (no option necessary … I always ordered the chicken), plus the heavenly-est side in all of the fast food kingdom, potato oles.

       Oh, and of course a diet soda pop to maintain my girlish figure.

       Sometimes I'd order a large, sometimes a medium (in shocking fast food honesty, small was not an option). Grilled burrito: 580 calories. Oles: 600 for a medium and 770 for a large. I ordered the medium more often, so for our stats we'll go with that. (I went on a roll for awhile buying a churro for dessert, but not regularly enough to include in this calculation.)

       1,180 calories times 3 meals per month (I would say that's on the low side, if anything) times 12 months = 42,480 calories. Boom, baby (er, babies).

       Total calories eliminated (assuming I avoid Taco John's for the remainder of calendar 2011):

61,531 calories … adios mi lovely Oles.

       To finish, I must confess one thing. In December my wife delivered Taco John's to a work night at school. This was a fairly regular occurrence. We'd have Taco John's and watch all the cable channels in my classroom we are too cheap to pay for at home. But this time my grilled chicken burrito was a tad bit cold and tasted odd. Just not right at all. I can't nail down what was so odd about the taste, but something was different. I got sick shortly after, but not super sick. I think I may have made myself sick thinking about how my favorite fast food meal was not good this time. Much like someone who threw up from their last shot of tequila often says "Yuck. I can't drink that anymore," I now say "Yuck, I can't eat that meal anymore." In fact, the thought of ordering that meal now makes me a bit nauseas.

Crazy week not particularly crazy, but not a waste, either

OK, so my mentor who sent me the kind and encouraging email tell me to "go crazy" – in a good way, of course -- and I are different people, namely in that he's amazing and I'm a bit of a slug, BIT being the optimal word (not slug, thank goodness).

Sunday: 224 calories burned on the fly on a worn out bicycle machine. Monday: 362 calories burned in a hurry between dinner and evening commitment. Then Tuesday: You can't make this up, 717 calories burned in one hour on the trustee tread mill machine-friend. And those 717 calories burned while reading a Time article about the recently famous "Tiger Mom." She's fascinating, and not nearly as crazy as her own book makes her out to be. In fact, the most crazy thing of that hour was nothing of which the Tiger Mom spoke, but instead that I discovered I was capable of burning 717 calories in one hour of fast walking on the tread mill.

That's 1,303 calories burned. Nothing to scoff at. Then I ate one too many bowls of cereal Wednesday night, thought one too many times about the stress pouring down on me with grades due. Next thing I know I'm on the couch sleeping.

That's what we call a Workout Death Sentence trifecta. In the biz.

Minutes later I was asleep in my new comfy bed, my "crazy week" suddenly arrested on the other side of my eye lids. Unless, of course, chainsaw-type snoring burns mega loads of calories.

There is one reason for hope. I have a long weekend on the road, which means no workouts and possibly sketchy food choices, so I've committed myself to a 5 a.m. workout tomorrow morning. I checked the website for my gym, and they are, indeed, open at that time. I don't foresee this morning thing becoming a habit, but it must be done.

"Crazy" needs a kick start.

2011 total caloric disappearance: 15,610, with more to go bub-bye about seven hours from now. Have a good weekend.

Cinny-Minny gooey goodness … gone

My wife and I have a fairly consistent ritual when we go out to eat for breakfast. Or, for that matter, when we go out to eat any time of day at a breakfast-type restaurant. We begin by ordering the breakfast version of an appetizer. A cinnamon roll. See accompanying photo, which will be explained in a moment.

We always say the same thing: "We'd like to start with a cinnamon roll, warmed up, with butter on the side and two forks." I or she point at the other at this point, to indicate we plan to split the roll.

As part of my quest to eliminate 100,000 calories from my existence, I have vowed not to order cinnamon rolls. The caloric reduction will be quantified at the end of this blog entry.

This morning my wife talked me into going out to eat at one of our favorite restaurants in town. A quick history on this restaurant: It opened about five years ago near our home and we loved the people who owned it and the food they served. A good combination, no doubt. Then the restaurant disappeared, for reasons unclear. The building became a Laundromat. Suddenly, word spread the restaurant had re-opened in a small town just north of us. We went there one time, but it was a bit farther drive than we'd like to drive for breakfast.

Suddenly, this winter we noticed a restaurant with the same name open in the downtown area of the city we reside. Finally, this morning we investigated. It, indeed, is the same wonderful people and much of the same wonderful food.

We found a seat near the kitchen and near a half wall separating the seating area from the food prep area. The attached picture – I am not making this up – shows what sat atop that separating wall. Yep. A big piece of cinny-minny gooey goodness (see photo).

My wife took a picture, because it captured so perfectly the way I am going about this diet. I am purposely not eliminating the temptations from my life, because they're always going to be there in some form or another. In this case, they just happened to be about two feet and a piece of plastic covering away from my mouth.

We will continue to eat at this wonderful breakfast location despite the well-placed cinnamon rolls. To their credit, that spot is perfect to encourage impulse purchases. I just have to learn to control my impulses.

NOTE: One piece of collateral damage exists in my goal to eliminate cinnamon rolls from my life. My wife, with whom I always split these pieces of cinny-minny gooey goodness, is rightfully bummed. Sure she could order one by herself, but check out the picture. Do you see the size of it? Ordering that alone may ruin the breakfast that follows.

She is pregnant, though, with twins. Maybe she could eat it all and just say she's splitting it with Baby A and Baby B instead of with me.

Calories eliminated: I estimated my wife and I would split a cinnamon roll about 10 times a year. That means I eat five a year. According to http://www.nutrientfacts.com/, one large cinnamon roll is 310 calories. That's with raisins and I don't eat rolls with raisins, so we'll go with 300 calories. Although I contend the cinnamon rolls in many restaurants are larger than large. Regardless, we'll go with 300. That's 1,500 calories eliminated in cinnamon rolls alone.

In addition, I burned 343 calories at the gym in 30 minutes on Friday. I didn't work out Saturday (no good excuse, really), but I am on my way to work out right now. I will log those calories burned on my next blog entry. Remember, this week is "crazy week." I am down another pound on my weight loss goal, but this week I hope to lose a "crazy" amount. We'll see what that proves to be.

TOTAL CALORIES PARTED WITH in 2011: 14,307

Thank you, My Mentor _____________

I received some timely advice this morning from a man I consider a mentor and an inspiration. It came in the form of a short email.


Hi Riley: Stay focused. Sometimes it is good to go intense for a week! Try it. Go crazy for a week and take off a day. Love your blog. I want to read new material every day!! Hint.


Peace,
My Mentor


No, no, he didn't sign it "My Mentor." That's my name for him. He signed it _____________, but you don't need to know his name.


The timing of this email was perfect. I am a busy guy, but that's not an excuse. Everybody's busy. And I don't have children … yet. Parenting seems, from my vantage point on the verge, a big, big job. Huge. Think NFL offensive lineman-size huge.


I guess I'll find out soon enough. Nevertheless, I am busy now despite being childless and I don't apologize for that. Most of my awake time is eaten up by a job I adore, teaching English and journalism to high school students. One small addendum to that job is working at high school basketball games, which eats up one or two evenings per week. I love working the games, but on game nights I cannot work out at my usual gym. The school has a nice facility, which I need to make use of on game nights before the games begin.


There were two basketball games this week, Tuesday and Thursday, so it was tough to get in a calorie-burning rhythm. I did work out Sunday and Monday, but I need three to four workouts a week to feel like I'm making progress toward my 100,000 calorie goal.


Feeling sorry for myself, I showed up to work this morning tired and worn out from a long week at work, which has included the two aforementioned games, end-of-semester grading duties, administering of finals and yesterday's 8 a.m. pregnancy-related doctor's appointment at a hospital an hour from our house (a little frustrating, considering a hospital in the same medical family sits about 300 yards from our house).


Then I turn on my computer and see an email from My Mentor, sent at 9:18 p.m. last night. This guy and his wife are world travelers. He might be anywhere right now, possibly climbing a mountain in Fiji or kayaking in Glacier Bay, Alaska. Yet he turned on his computer and took the time to send me an email, letting me know he's thinking about me and my goal to get healthy.


I remember this guy telling me a story when he was my cooperating teacher during student teaching. Actually, I remember a lot of stories. Great stories. One story involved him seeing too many of his close friends dying young, which forced him to take a look at himself. He had been lifting weights a lot, but while doing so he had put on some extra pounds, which had resulted in a weight with which his body wasn't comfortable, which resulted in a doctor visit and the news his cholesterol was higher than it should be. He immediately set out to get in better shape. He did, too, because like no one I've ever encountered My Mentor does what he sets his mind to.


Last night, to my benefit, he set his mind to motivating me. The timing couldn't be more perfect.


Next week is the beginning of a new semester. Beginnings of semesters are generally less stressful than ends. In addition, there's only two home basketball games in the next 30 days, neither of which are next week.


I am going to allot 45 to 60 minutes per day to the treadmill. I am going to, as My Mentor wrote, "Go crazy for a week and take off a day." That "crazy" begins today. Who cares if it's Friday? Crazy starts now.


My schedule has a temporary opening. Once Baby A and Baby B arrive this summer those openings may be harder to find.


I better take advantage now.


Thanks for the shot of motivation, My Mentor _____________.

Hello, my name's Titanic

Nine teachers -- myself and eight others -- who work at the local high school are challenging each other to get fit. The main component of  that challenge is weight loss, although we're doing it on the honor system and using personal weight loss goals instead of generic goals.

We just finished week two. (Imagine that, a weight-loss challenge starting the Monday after New Year's Eve. I know. Cliche.)

Week one, five of us combined to lose 17.3 pounds (not everyone reports ... imagine that, not everyone reporting in a weight-loss challenge). One gained 3.4 pounds, but he's the skinniest man I've ever seen in a weight-loss challenge, so he just have been bloated. I didn't count him.

Week two, the big three shedders from week one -- 5.7, 4.2 and 4 pounds -- lost 1.2, 0 and 0. Maybe it's the natural give and take of a body, but my guess is we lost a bit of focus after our week one feel-good moments.

Some sources, such as Blue Zones, tell you to weigh yourself every day. Others, such Weight Watchers, tell you only weigh once per week. I tend to get excited and want to weigh often, but thankfully I've been too busy to do that. Either way, I was one of the zeros, the non-losers, this week.

Then came Sunday and I was ready to go to the gym. Turned on the TV while I had a bite to eat about 3:30. Gym's open until 5. Plenty of time. I'll leave by 4 and get a 45-minute treadmill walk in. Then I see what's on: Titanic. Before I know it I'm into this cheese ball movie, which is on one channel or another almost daily. 3:45, 4, 4:15. I didn't get to the gym twice on Saturday like I had planned. In fact, I didn't get to the gym once on Saturday. The disappointment was building. My health kick, like the Titanic, was sinking.

Finally at 4:17 I decide I have to work out. I get a half hour work out in and burn 253 calories. Not many, but better than none. If not for Titanic (excuse of the day) I could have burned double that ... and now I have proof.

Last night I went back to the gym and worked out for one hour. Actually 59 minutes and 59 seconds. I burned 573 calories.

I arrived home in time to see the end of Titanic, but decided not to watch it. The ending is so sad, and I no longer wanted Titanic to represent me.

Not as a reference to my bloated size.

Not as a reference for its sinkableness (yes, I am an English teacher, but making up words is so fun)

Not as a reference to the movie's sad ending.

TOTAL CALORIES PARTED WITH: 12,464

Slower week but still most defintely progress

I haven't worked out since Sunday, although I plan to work out twice tomorrow. On top of that I felt lazy and tired last night, and it seemed to correlate directly to my higher level of snackiness.

But, I am not discouraged. You've got to remember my baseline ... 2010 ... was pretty base. Snackiness was an every evening occurrence. So to say I spent one night snacking is not something I'm proud of, but the way I look at it I spent the first 12 nights of 2011 NOT snacking. 12 of 13 ain't bad, although my friend Clay Anderson said it takes 20 days to form a habit.

Guess I fell short of non-snackiness reaching habit-forming status. Guess I have something new to shoot for.

Positive thought for the day: I went to make copies just now, right after finishing my lunch, and there were cupcakes sitting by the microwave, which sets next to the copy machine. I wanted one as a sweet treat to top off my meal, but I resisted.

I've never walked by that microwave and not taken one of the treats brought in my a staff member. Not even once.

So I used this cool new thing called the World Wide Web and looked up how many calories are in a cupcake. It varied from difference sources, of course. A bakery cup cake, according to http://www.eatingwell.com/, has 585 calories. Zoinks. But these cup cakes by the microwave were mini-cupcakes, so I'm going with 290 calories saved.

For the year: 11,638 eliminated.

Zebra extinction

Since my goal is NOT to quit being a fat slouch cold turkey but instead more about seeing how many calories I can eliminate, I write this on the remainder of my 25-minute duty-free (yeah, right) lunch on the heels of housing a chicken fried steak and mash potatoes, a meal I fell in love with during my two-year college tenure in south Texas.

I am not eliminating lunches, nor even making them more healthy … yet. Strictly calories, and my caloric decimation needs to jump start, so I’m going to cheat just a smidge. But it’s not really cheating. You’ll see what I mean.

I have vowed to eliminate Little Debbie Zebra Cakes from my 2011 life. My wife and I figured out I average about 25 Zebra Cakes a year. While I’m not going to share with you the mundane details about how we came to this conclusion, I will say I don’t even really much like Zebra Cakes. They just became the one thing I always got when I filled up with gas at a station near our home or when we were on long road trips and stopped for gas. Besides, they’re cheap. About 75 cents. And there is something magical about a creamy-filled center. Similar to coming down on Christmas morning and seeing your stocking filled with Santa’s gifts, a feeling adults need to replace with something else. I replaced that sensation with Zebra Cakes’s creamy-filled center.

I need to stop here for a moment and give credit where it’s due. About a year ago Amanda and I were dining out with some friends. A friend of a friend who I hadn’t met prior was eating with our group. He said he ate as many as six Little Debbie snack cakes a day. They were his thing, I guess. I can’t recall his cake of choice, but their calorie count is similar in all their yummy goodnesses. He said he shed a bunch of pounds simply by eliminating that one thing from his life.

So to that dude, whatever his name, I want to thank him for his inspiration.

Zebra Cakes have 380 calories. I know because I went to the same store where I always buy them (yes, I have heard about the Internet and its amazing information capabilities). Cruelly, they were out. But being determined to stare down the Zebra Cakes and walk out empty handed (except for the calorie count), I returned to that scene of so many crème-filled crimes.

So 380 calories X 25 Cakes = 9,500 calories eliminated.

Last gym workout was on Sunday (this is Wednesday). I burned 557 calories, which gives me 1,848 calories burned through working out this year.

With the elimination of Zebra cakes added in, that’s 11,348 calories eliminated from my 2011 self. I’m already one-tenth of the way to my 100,000 calorie goals. Of course, I have to actually abstain from Zebra Cakes for 11½ more months now, that being the hard part.

NEXT ELIMINATION: Perkins sugar cookies. L Shucks. I actually like those.

Small victories

Last evening, after finishing my fish sandwich and fries from McDonald's I claimed a small victory, small being the operative word. It was made especially diminutive in the face of having just housed a McDonald's meal.

One of many selves is that of Site Manager for the high school boys basketball team. A site manager is like a rental Activities Director. I do the jobs of meeting and taking care of the game referees, the table workers, meeting the teams and getting them into their locker, etc. Basically, all the behind-the-scenes details. Well, one of the behind-the-scenes details is setting up the concession stand and training in that night's volunteer workers. Usually, as per routine, I would start the night by buying myself a candy bar. Generally, that would lead to a piece of pizza later in the night and often a hot dog, just because they smelled so good every time I stopped by to check on things.

And that was always after my dinner, which, admittedly, was never salad and often something fatty. Essentially, on the dozen nights a winter I worked the basketball games I was generally consuming two dinners, both calorie heavy.

Last night was the first basketball game since I started the 100,000 calories challenge, and I avoided the pizza and the hot dogs. Admittedly, as the night ended there was leftover popcorn, heavily buttered and salted, and I ate a bag of that.

So my victories are not mammoth, but minute. Yet victories they are.

UPDATE: My last workout was Tuesday night. I burned 394 calories. TOTAL CALORIES REMOVED: 1,291 (through work outs only). I plan to add in the calories removed via eating habit changes in my next blog about Little Debbie Zebra Cakes (yum). I want one now. … And again now.

This time I remembered

For the second consecutive day my wife and I went to the gym to exercise. Of course, we went to Pizza Hut first.

But in my convoluted quest to cut 100,000 calories from my life that's OK because I traditionally have pizza once a week for dinner (and once for lunch as leftovers) anyway, so that's not out of line. While some of my competitors in our Coaches' Challenge (will explain in another column) are bragging about how little they are eating, I am not going there yet. I simply want to add in exercise and remove a few unnecessary sweets and treats (another blog topic idea).

As it turns out a lot of women in great shape also work out where we work out. They always seem to jump on the tread mill directly to my left. When they start running fast in their long strides it can make my pace look rather loathsome. That's OK. They are trying to get in shape, while I'm simply cutting calories. That's why college football and basketball players don't work out together. They have different goals. In fact, it can be dangerous.

When I was a young a basketball player from my hometown played basketball for Cincinnati. After his freshman season he spent some time working out with a football player. He collapsed and nearly died as the workout was not right for his body. That guy is now a doctor, and I'll bet a damn good one, so I'm sure he knew what he was doing. But it just wasn't right.

These long-strided runners to my left may be me someday, although I doubt it. But for now a briskly paced walk is fine with me.

FULL DISCLOSURE: I did draw enough inspiration from these runners to my left to run for a few one-minute stretches. I have to admit it felt good. I've only been a runner two other times in my life (another blog topic idea). Now is not the time for me to run. I'm still finding my stride.

CALORIES BURNED IN TODAY'S WORKOUT: 477 (yes I remembered to look this time). ADDENDUM: I "guesstimated" yesterday's calories burned at 500 (see column to see why I "guesstimated"). I want to change that to 420 calories as my guess. I definitely went harder today and only burned 477.

TOTAL CALORIES REMOVED:
897

My best guess

The exercise portion of my 100,000 calorie plan – the only quantifiable piece this haphazard plan includes – began today. My wife and I, for the second time in two weeks, showed up at the place where we exercise, only to find out for the second consecutive time we didn't know the Sunday hours. Last time we were too late, this time too early.

We filled the time by preparing some New Year's letters. Yes, yes, I'm perfectly aware most people send Christmas letters, not New Year's letters, but we are not cliché … at least in this facet of life. Regardless, we used our time wisely, and now the gym was open and we were on our way.

My wife and I are exercising for vastly different reasons. She's been advised that being in good shape offers a higher percentage chance of having a less painful labor. Pain avoidance always seems like a good motivator.

Meanwhile, my motivation is all over the map. Impending papa status. Feeling winded after climbing 16 steps on the way to bed. Having to sit down to tie my shoes. Spilling on my shirts each day when my belly inevitably bumps the table in front of me.

One admittedly odd motivator is this blog. I came up with the idea to change my caloric intake by 100,000 calories and record the stories here, whether successful or unsuccessful, and the number one way to accomplish that will be involving exercise in my weekly routine.

Well, here's a story for you.

We arrive at the gym, and it's been open less than an hour, yet the room we're in is packed. My wife and I bump into a fellow teacher and discuss going back to work tomorrow and the guaranteed chaos that will ensue with the students who have lived less structured existences for the past 10 days. Next I wave at a parent of a few former students. He's listening to music and in the middle of his workout so I skip stopping to talk to him, although it's always fun hearing how his kids are doing.

Next, we head to the treadmills. I type in my weight, age and a few other details the machine requires so as to give me an accurate reading of my calories burned. I want an accurate reading, as this is my only empirical data, my lone statistical evidence that I'm on my way to ridding myself of 100,000 calories. I type in 45-minutes, which should be enough to burn about 500 calories. My favorite part of using the treadmill is that it gives you an exact distance walked and exact calories burned.

I set my Time magazine on the treadmill and begin to read Joel Stein, one of my new favorite writers. I've used blurbs from his columns to help teach writing to my students. This column, much like all of his columns, is not only hilarious, but poignant and a great comment on society. I look down and I'm one-third of the way through, 15 minutes and 166 calories burned. On pace for 500 calories burned, but as previously mentioned I'll get an exact number at the end and record it here.

Next, I read a story about a Burmese rebel leader fighting for peace in her country. An amazing story, although the hope for peace is not bright, which sends my thoughts elsewhere momentarily.

Suddenly, I am brought back to the here and now by a man standing next to my treadmill. It is the guy I saw earlier, the parent of two of my former students and he's come over to say hello. I always enjoy talking to him, not only to hear about what his children are up to, but also because he's an avid golfer, which is one of my passions, too.

We talk for awhile, mostly he talking, me listening. He tells me one of his kids will be graduating this spring and may go on to pharmacy school. Another is applying for a summer internship in Europe. A third child is competing on the college rowing team, a Division I athlete. All three go to the same school.

He mentions a golf excursion he's hoping to pull off this summer, which is about when I realize my time on the treadmill has finished. I grab some paper towels and wipe off the machine, end the conversation with my friend and say good bye.

As I walk to the coat rack and put on my coat I realize something: I never looked to see how many calories I burned. I race back to the machine only to realize it's already reset for the next walker.

I don't even have to tell my wife what's happened. She knows me well enough.

The only quantifiable portion of my 100,000 calorie experiment will have to be a "guesstimate" for exercise session number one as I forgot to record it. We'll chalk this up as an unsuccessful story, but in the end it's still success as I know I've burned calories and feel good about it J. I just wish I knew the exact amount. L

EXERCISE SESSION #1, calories burned: 500 (my best "guesstimation").

The first big challenge

Well, it's Jan. 2, and the first big challenge to my unscientific, caloric reduction known as "100,000 calories" (see earlier blog for explanation) is upon me. But that's OK. That's what this whole thing is, right? A challenge.

My pregnant wife, nearing the end of the first trimester, tells me pregnancy has given her food cravings that are different than regular food cravings. My wife has always been the type of person who when she gets hungry she needs to eat. She isn't going to go do five or six things, then eat. She wants to do what she needs to do on a full stomach.

But she says these cravings are different than before. She tells me she gets cravings for specific foods, not so much just to fill her belly with food. Today, that craving was specifically for a Burger King Whopper. We have a Burger King in our town and I can say in spite of my love of fast food (which is partially the reason I'm attempting to cut 100,000 calories from my diet) I have never been inside the Burger King building. Before they remodeled it was grimy and grungy. Since the remodel it looks nice and clean, but I've just never gone there. A couple hundred feet down the road is Taco John's and its #6 (Grilled Burrito), with chicken, medium Potato Oles and a Diet Mountain Dew. I may have been through the Burger King drive through once or twice, but the point is it's not my fast food joint of choice.

REAL QUICK BACKGROUND: At various times in my life I have been a regular customer of Burger King, just not at this time in my life. During those times in my life where I've visited that establishment more frequently, the most regular food item I have ordered was the Original Chicken Sandwich, which is one of the reasons I no longer regularly frequent this establishment. It is so yummy, but is among the most sinful fast food items available. According to www.fastfoodfacts.info the Original Chicken Sandwich has 460 calories if you put mayonnaise on it. I don't, but do include cheese. Not sure if they include that in calorie count. Add another 360 more calories for BK fries.

So my wife decides she's going to get a Whopper. I decide that my average yearly intake of Original Chicken Sandwiches over the past five years is three. I decide it's my goal to eliminate one of those sandwiches, meaning my 2011 allowance of Original Chicken Sandwiches is two.
I decide to have her get me and Original Chicken Sandwich.
I think to myself "Better enjoy it, because you only get one more the rest of the year."

About 15 minutes later my wife arrives home. I hear her come in through the door connected to the garage, say hello to one of our dogs, who generally likes to greet her at the doorway. She takes off her boots, hangs up her coat on the new coat rack, which is near the stairs and yells up to me "Hey, guess what. The chicken sandwiches were buy one, get one free."

This. Is. Terrible. News. Of course, she has no idea about my recently decided yearly allotment of BK Original Chicken Sandwiches. This is not her fault, nor is this the fault of the cravings caused by pregnancy. This is a predicament, but certainly one I can work through. Besides, it's not like I'm required to eat both sandwiches. I can just throw one away.

Fast forward to the end of the blog. I ate one Original Chicken Sandwich, then refused to look at the other … for awhile. Eventually, I caved, and ate half of the second sandwich before guilt overtook me.

So now I have one-half of a Burger King Original Chicken Sandwich allotted for the rest of the 2011.

Gee whiz.

My Methodology (or lack thereof)

As first introduced yesterday, I am going to be recording my attempt to cut 100,000 calories from my diet. It must be mentioned again here and throughout the year that this is not a scientific process. I don't have a baseline from which to start so I can't truly know when or if I reach the 100,000 plateau. What I do know is the way I have been living is not going to get me to retirement age.

 
 

So, here's the first attempt to explain my plan:

Each week I will work out either three or four times. If I work out three times, then each workout needs to burn 500 calories. The only work out I currently do is to walk on a tread mill at our local Family Y (used to be the YMCA, but recently changed the name). It counts the calories I burn for me. I really don't know what I'm doing so I simply press the "calorie burn" setting and then give myself a slight incline upon which to walk. Normally 45 minutes I can burn between 400 and 500 calories.

 
 

If I go three times in a week then I want to burn a total of 1,500 calories. If I go four times then I'd like to burn a minimum of 1,600 calories. Whatever the number, I will record it here, both for each workout session and a running total.

 
 

In addition to the calories burned each week walking the treadmill, I plan to find one or two items of food to cut out of my normal diet totaling approximately 400 to 500 calories. That should give me somewhere in the neighborhood of 2,000 calories cut per week.

 
 

NOTE TO READER: Phrases such as "somewhere in the neighborhood" should give you an idea of just how unscientific this experiment will be.

 
 

The simple math tells me if I can burn 1,500 to 1,600 calories through exercise and another 400 to 500 by better eating habits, over the course of a 52-week year that should be in the neighborhood of 104,000 calories eliminated from my 2011 life as opposed to previous years.

 
 

In addition to my week calories burn count, I will be blogging about the foods I give up (or at least limit the number of servings per week/month/year). This will scientific process known as ... wait for it ... label reading. Yes, you know that area of small type on the opposite side the food package from the fancy marketing and catch slogans? I am going to look at the calories in some of my favorite foods, and use that 3 or 4 digit number to guilt myself into not eating it.

 
 

Yes, yes, I know there is more to those labels than calories, but this is a start. I want to be more healthy eventually, but first I want to simply weight less.

 
 

Oh, just in case I lose any weight, my current weight as of Christmas Eve, according to my mother's scale, was 228 pounds. This project is not simply about pounds, but pounds certainly weigh into the equation (pun intended).

 
 

Look for another post tomorrow (Sunday), after my first workout of the year and while I'm still excited about the project and before I get back into the daily grind of teaching on Monday. After that the updates may not be as frequent or lengthy.